Issan is Thailand’s largest and poorest region,many of the inhabitants are the Children or Grandchildren of Lao Parents as much of Issan was formerly part of Lao and was captured prior to the French Colonisation of Lao,in a deal between Siam and the French large tracts of Lao were ceded to the Thai’s.A large majority of the population still prefer to speak Lao and they are held in pretty low esteem by the rest of Thailand who describe them as ” Lao from a poor region!!” The behaviours described below while intended to me humerous will be instantly recognisable to any Westerner who has spent time in Issan!!
And it came to pass that Kun Noy beheld a Mighty Host of Falang.The Falang came from the Tribes of Germani and Farance also amongst them were the Tribe from Angrit and Ameriga.
And Lo Kun Noy spake unto the Throng saying Come Unto Me all ye who are heavy laden with Donla, Euro or Thai Baht! For as many as are amongst you whose balls are also heavy laden ye shall worship at the Temple of Thai Pussy!!
And Lo amongst this Host were many well stricken in years! and, verily they could not “Get it up!!” Kun Noy spake unto them saying “Get ye hence to the Temple of Boots The Chemist whereupon a magical elixir will be given unto you!!” And behold the Chemist of the Lord delivered unto them a wondrous blue amulet which had been blessed by St. Viagra!! And Lo when the “Old Duffers” drank of the Amulet they were delivered of a “Stiffy” Yeah the likes of which they had not behld since the Day’s of their Youth!!
Kun Noy also spake unto them ” Blessed are the Mug Punters for they shall see my Pussy!!”For in as much as you have given of your wealth,verily I say unto thee.thy wondrous Bounty shall deliver my people from Bondage”.”I earnestly entreat of you to understand that the needs of my Family are great, And Verily some of these needs are practicaly legal!!” “Thy Bounty will be devoured,yeah as if by a pestilance and will be scattered to the four corners of my Village!!”
Blessed are the Meek for they shall inherit the Earth,Tho verily not the “Title Deeds” on any Thai Real Estate.”And Lo shouldst thou wish to Lay with me,Thou must Build a House for my Family!!” And harken unto me when I tell thee that in as much as you should cease ” Shelling Out!!” then thou will be cast into the Abbys!!
For Verily my Boy Friend and Father yearn to Labour in the Rice Paddy and Herd the Buffalo! These Noble endeavours are not to be however as they are afflicted by a Monstrous Thirst which cannot be Slaked,Yeah even should they drink all the Beer in Thailand!! Laid low they Slumber in their hammocks where they are Ministered to by my Children,who profer unto them Iced Beer to cool them and cigarettes to soothe their cravings!!
And verily my Younger Brother is mightily afraid of Walking,and Lo time hangs heavy on him as he is also mightily afeared of getting a job!!, And Lo he yearns for a Motorcycle so that he can ” Hang with his Homies!!” And Lo my 13 year old Sister is Great with Child,but there can be no rejoicing as indeed there can be no Wedding for the Father of her Unborn Child is my Uncle!! And Lo he has given unto my Mother 20,000 Baht to keep quiet!!
My Older Sister has returned to our Village after a score of Years spent labouring as a “Go Go Dancer” in distant Pataya!! Verily she hungers and thirsts after her next “Hit” of Crystal Meth!! Woe and Thrice Woe if she cannot “Score”,For she is sore vexed and there is a great Lamentation,Yeah even Unto Wailing and Gnashing of teeth!!
As a Dog returneth to it’s Vomit,so my Mother seeks out the Nightly Card Game.Verily I say unto you that many are the times when she is Put to Flight, pursued by those to whom she “Owes a bundle”,and whose wrath is Mighteous!! My Mother when ill used in this cruel fashion is also sore Vexed and seeks solace in a bottle of Blend 285!!
And Lo my Mother, her senses befuddled by the strong liqueur spake Harshly unto my Sister.Saying,”for thou art as like unto a “Crack Whore!” And my Mother’s Wrath was indeed Mighteous Scolding my Sister thus,”Thy Legs have been apart so often that they are requireth of seperate Postcodes!!” “Henceforth you shall be cast into the Widerness for Forty Days and Forty Nights or until thou hath Nailed a Rich Falang!!”
“Heed my words Falang when I say unto thee that it is easier for a Camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a Rich Falang to depart the Kingdom of Thailand bearing with him the Wealth which formerly was His!!”
Here Endeth The Lesson